I've been in theatre basically my entire life. I love it. The rush of diving into someone else's life story, and then getting to tell that story. Becoming someone else. And in theatre, becoming someone else is praised, and awarded. In fact, the show can only be genuine if you dive head first into the role you're portraying.
It's not quite the same in real life.
I've been involved in leading worship at GCC for around 4 years now. I recently started working part time there, and help lead the charge for weekend services. It's a incredible honor to be trusted with our team, and our people, and leading them in worship.
However, lately it's been heavy. See, when you pray a prayer asking God to sweep your heart clean, He is always quick and ready to do so. That is a prayer that He will answer every. single. time.
So, in the last few weeks when I've stepped onto our stage to lead a song, and the lights came up on me, I just feel gross. Who am I to be up here leading these people into the presence of God when I can't even hear Him right now? If they knew who I really was, they wouldn't let me near this church, let alone, be in charge of people. I'm doubting and questioning some things, and all I see in myself is failure, faults, and a million reasons why someone else should be up there but me. I understand that no one is worthy, and because of Christ's death, we can approach Him...I know the story, and I know the verses. But again, BELIEVING that. It's hard to understand why He uses us, especially when we feel raw and vulnerable...like we having nothing to give anyone.
Yet, here I am. And He continues to use me. It's who He is. And I'm learning over and over and over again that He can become greater when I become less. When I realize that there is NOTHING about me that is good without Him. When He prunes, and cuts away at the branches of my heart. This "season" or whatever it is, regardless of the difficulty, will be worth it. He's molding my own heart to His.
"God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies those He's called"