What is it about someone being disappointed in you that cuts so much deeper than any other emotion? Sure we get angry and sad, but that's usually the first stage of what's to come. When you're disappointed with someone, it's because you know they could do better, and be better. They seem to be settling for less, because it's easier.
I have a point, I promise.
Lately, I've being running around to every living being, and maybe even inanimate object to find worth. Like, please someone tell me that I'm doing okay. I put huge expectations on my friends that they are unaware of--they need to tell me every second that I'm awesome, and I'm doing everything right. But the second they don't, I get angry.
"Do they even want to be my friend? Do they even like me? Do they even think I'm talented or a capable human being in general?"
These are my real thoughts, people. I may seem crazy, but I know that you can relate.
Last Thursday, I was in a yelling match with God in my car after a great rehearsal for the weekend(which I should be thankful for, right?!?). I talked myself in circles, wallowing in self-pity and doubt. After about 10 minutes of me spewing about how others let me down, I heard that still, small Voice.
It said: "But what do I think of you? Who do I say you are?
There it was.
I had been so frustrated with myself, because I knew I was relying on others heavily to tell me my worth. I was running around, trying to please everyone. I was searching in every single place for affirmation, when I should have been still. Listening for God's voice, because it flows Truth into every part of my life. I know this, and yet I still choose to search elsewhere.
I fall into the lie that God is disappointed in me daily. I'm terrified that God will tell me that I could've been better. After all, He never ceases to give me His best. If He gives His best, I want to be the best steward of that, but man I fall short in so many ways.
Let's dig a little deeper into why I believe that lie.
It all comes back to not being able to comprehend God's love for me. Sure, for the world and others, but right now--His love for me. The Love that endures my worst, and celebrates my best. His Love that doesn't change or shift based on my performance. Nothing I could do could make Him second guess His sacrifice for my heart. He already knows the paths, and decisions I've made/will make, and His love remains true. His love is there to fall into. The grace that's wrapped around His love for me to experience and stumble in.
I don't understand it, guys. But because of that love, I choose to walk above the lies I've been living in. God is not disappointed in me, He's proud of me. Regardless of shortcomings, and choices I've made--His love remains true.
I challenge you to let that Love in. Walk in it. Struggle in it.
Experience how it pushes you to outside of yourself, but at the same time helps you know who He's created You to be.